Attack Penguins A Primer These quiet and randomly camouflaged individuals are so secretive that no one had even heard of them until they read this, the primer of everything you need to know about Attack Penguins. Initially, one would think these menacing creatures are soft and cuddly, overgrown stuffed toys, stuffed with all that’s fluffy and sweet, when in truth, they have a heart that thump, thump, thumps to rip other beating hearts out. LESSON: Beware the attack penguins. Making these killing machines even more frightening [and yet, so alluring, yes?] is this completely unknown fact: they work for hire. Yes! Their dark and swift movements have not even motive nor principle, save the almighty truth of money [generalized, for we as yet have not ascertained what currency they trade in, but have heard it rumored they only accept krill from the Scotia Sea, and then only the very freshest, their payment needing to have been caught within the past fourteen hours] – they perform their deeds of destruction in dark for dastardly devils with dollars which is paid fleet fishermen for fresh food. LESSON: Beware those who hire attack penguins. Though this may cause the faint of heart to sink despairingly towards lower elevations, breaking decrepit furniture that lies within their crashing path we feel it is necessary to be completely on the level about all the information we have been privy to in research for this report. There are many facts about these slight and sadistic sleuths but none so absolutely bone crackingly frightening as this. This fact, this freak of nature, is also their greatest strength for it is their best kept secret. They fly! Though it is not known how they summon their powers of levitation, an observer from our research squad recently sent in the following report. Sirs: On November Twenty-Fifth, I had been at station MoonSlip for the past fifteen days without any observed activity when I noticed a large raven performing exercises in the overcast sky, the weather having been without a ray of direct sunshine for nearly my entire shift. This continued for thirty minutes, when up from the frozen ground a rocket of black and white leapt into the sky; some three hundred vertical feet were covered in mere seconds. So fast was the movement that I found it difficult to keep my spotting scope leveled at the observed target. Upon reaching the same height as the aforementioned raven, the previously exercising bird being reached unaware, this rocket slowed and, hovering, performed a deft and bloody execution, first delimbing the bird sending its recently fluttering wings to the ground below, then denuding it with rapid movements of its razor edged flippers, and finally, decapitating the victim. All of this occurred so rapidly that I was forced to slow down the recorded images by five times to catch the movements above described. Once this mission was completed, what I had ascertained to be an attack penguin sped to the ground, performing a corkscrew movement just before reaching the ground, splitting the surface and disappearing beneath the ground. Sirs, as you know, I have previously proposed that these macabre mercenaries are able to move undetected through the use of subterranean tunnels. I believe this recent occurrence is further evidence in that direction and request your permission and funding for further research of this theory. Sincerely, DominoFourtyFive LESSON: Beware attack penguins killing from above and below. After further research into the possibility of these attack penguins using the suggested underground transport tunnels, it has been discovered that such channels exist. However, these do not appear on any form of radar, leading us to believe these creatures are not only physically dangerous, but also technologically advanced, with the capability of sending out masking radar signals to cover the presence of their sub-surface super-secret means of worldwide travel. Thus concludes the primer of everything you need to know about attack penguins. Please, good citizens, be careful, be wary and above all, do not piss off those friendly with fishermen in the Scotia Sea, remembering the wise words of Mark Twain: “Do not pick a fight with someone who buys krill by the boatload.” The Institute for the Study of Attack Penguins 7/2/2007 | 
